Thursday, July 6, 2017

Trigger

Prince E is so good to me.  I am learning to trust him and it's an amazing thing.  I haven't trusted a man in...well, ever.  My dad was not good to me and then my ex and then the guys I've dated.  So, this is a new thing and it's scary.  I'm learning to just go with it and trust my heart.  My intuition/heart/6th sense has never been wrong. To trust Prince E is such a free feeling....I don't feel trapped or crazy.  There's no way to explain what it feels to trust someone.  I feel free and happy and light.
BUT...I have discovered a trigger.
When Prince E doesn't text me back within an hour I go crazy.
This has happened twice and both times I realized right away that I was being triggered, but I don't know what to do about it.
For 10 years when my texts and calls were ignored it meant that X was with another woman and it destroyed me.  It caused me so much pain and despair.  There's no way to explain the feeling of being so completely betrayed unless you've felt it...and I felt it over and over and over for 10 years.  Just typing about that betrayal makes me cry.  To know that I hurt so deeply.  Did you know that when you are emotionally hurt so badly, you can actually feel it physically?  I don't wish that type of hurt and betrayal on anyone ever again.  I would cry so hard that I could hardly breathe....it's what I imagine wailing to sound like.  To feel such grief and hurt is not something I want anyone to ever experience. But, this is what I felt almost every day for 10 years.  Every day X would ignore me so that he could be with another woman.
Now, I have Prince E.  He is amazing and patient and kind.  The first time he didn't text me right away I tried telling him that I was worried he was with another woman.  It hurt his feelings that I would think he'd do that, but he talked me through it and reminded me that he's not X and he doesn't want anyone else.  He PROVES to me that I can trust him and that he isn't like X.  BUT, the trigger is real and I don't know how to work through it.  I can't breathe, I get a stomach and headache, my chest gets tight, I sweat, and I cry.  I want to check all dating sites, get in my car and make sure he's really where he says he is.  I revert to that person I was when X betrayed me.  I know Prince E isn't going to do that to me, so how do I get through this?

2 comments:

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Abhishek Sarkar said...

Hi Hope! I know it's pretty late considering you posted it almost 6 months back, sorry about that but I stumbled upon it today, I hope you check my comment though (it's a bit long though as I love writing and considering your issue I think it doesn't matter). I understand the unsecured feeling you are having right now, and how the triggers are coming for you causing great trauma for you, probably affecting your relationship with your partner. But just think about this, you have three little & beautiful boys, as you've stated in your profile. You possess the best gift of the God you believe, not one but three of them. Instead of pondering about ur ex-husband (who isn't even worth staying in your thoughts) while you are activating your triggers (in relation to your Prince), why don't you spend more time with them and find your share of Joy among them? Please pardon me if you already do, I don't know you personally it's just a suggestion. I just felt you are feeling extreme emotional stress, as anyone in your place would feel the same, it's important to highlight what's important in your life and the ur kids depend on you. You and your kids are mutually valuable to each other. Try to engage more with them rather than checking dating sites where your Prince might be. Try this just when you feel the trigger is approaching, go to your kids or talk with them if you're away from them, you'll notice the trigger will just vanish & you'll be completely diverted from your depressing thoughts. Try keeping their pictures with you, if you feel depressed just take a glance at them and think how important they are to you. As far as Prince is concerned or for any other you may love or meet, leave matters in the hands of time. Invest some time and trust in your partners, if they are cheaters, it won't be hidden for too long, I assure you. So don't like, love anyone too rashly or quickly, do observe and analyse them, you don't need to spy them. You are a diligent woman, you'll surely understand their behaviour patterns and body language. As far as heart getting broken twice, mine has broken more than once, though initially, it was hard I still wish to live my life properly as I realised there are still people who love me and I do too, & I can't let them down, I need to live for them, I need to discover who I am personally without my partner. Sorry again for writing an essay on the comment but I thought it was helpful for a critical issue you are facing. Stay busy with your family and this blog, Would love to see more pictures and blogs related to your kids and change the name of your blog so that you can come out of that depressed bubble. I have started a blog of my own, please do check it out, would love to hear suggestions- knowledgeappetite.blogspot.com. Stay positive & Hope for the best (pun intended). Cheers! Bye.