Thursday, July 6, 2017

Trigger

Prince E is so good to me.  I am learning to trust him and it's an amazing thing.  I haven't trusted a man in...well, ever.  My dad was not good to me and then my ex and then the guys I've dated.  So, this is a new thing and it's scary.  I'm learning to just go with it and trust my heart.  My intuition/heart/6th sense has never been wrong. To trust Prince E is such a free feeling....I don't feel trapped or crazy.  There's no way to explain what it feels to trust someone.  I feel free and happy and light.
BUT...I have discovered a trigger.
When Prince E doesn't text me back within an hour I go crazy.
This has happened twice and both times I realized right away that I was being triggered, but I don't know what to do about it.
For 10 years when my texts and calls were ignored it meant that X was with another woman and it destroyed me.  It caused me so much pain and despair.  There's no way to explain the feeling of being so completely betrayed unless you've felt it...and I felt it over and over and over for 10 years.  Just typing about that betrayal makes me cry.  To know that I hurt so deeply.  Did you know that when you are emotionally hurt so badly, you can actually feel it physically?  I don't wish that type of hurt and betrayal on anyone ever again.  I would cry so hard that I could hardly breathe....it's what I imagine wailing to sound like.  To feel such grief and hurt is not something I want anyone to ever experience. But, this is what I felt almost every day for 10 years.  Every day X would ignore me so that he could be with another woman.
Now, I have Prince E.  He is amazing and patient and kind.  The first time he didn't text me right away I tried telling him that I was worried he was with another woman.  It hurt his feelings that I would think he'd do that, but he talked me through it and reminded me that he's not X and he doesn't want anyone else.  He PROVES to me that I can trust him and that he isn't like X.  BUT, the trigger is real and I don't know how to work through it.  I can't breathe, I get a stomach and headache, my chest gets tight, I sweat, and I cry.  I want to check all dating sites, get in my car and make sure he's really where he says he is.  I revert to that person I was when X betrayed me.  I know Prince E isn't going to do that to me, so how do I get through this?

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