Sunday, October 23, 2016

2013

October 20, 2013:  I went to church alone again!  As we left T (my oldest) told me he didn't want to go to church if his dad didn't have to go.  I was so mad and discouraged.  I got to church and sat with the family we always sit with.  They were always amazing and so helpful when I was at church alone.  They never asked about anything, they just helped and I am so grateful for them.  It was High Council Sunday and it made church even more difficult.  The High Councilman started talking about obedience and about the wiseman and the foolish man.  As he was speaking I realized that I can't do this anymore.  I couldn't be in a marriage where we were headed 2 ways.  I knew right then that my marriage was almost over.

October 21, 2013:  I had a normal day, but had a lot of time thinking about what to do with my life.  I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and took care of my kids.  The boys were in bed and I was writing in my journal and N was on the computer.  I could see the reflection of what he was doing in the window.  I could see he was looking at hard core porn.  I asked him over and over to put it away and spend time talking to me or doing something together.  He wouldn't.  I asked him what he wants in life.  He told me things are great how they are and that he's not choosing.  Later that evening I got a call from my sister.  She asked me a weird question and we hung up.  I knew that's not what she wanted.  A few minutes later she called back and told me that N had a FB profile that popped up on her feed and it was a picture of him naked asking for sex.  I told her I knew about it.  She told me she had told my parents.
I got off the phone and N was mad at me for not having his back and making something up.  Right then I realized how messed up we were.  I thought, for a sec, that I was wrong and that I shold've backed him up.
I went to bed and N stayed up looking at porn.

October 22, 2013:  I volunteered in Dylan's classroom, cleaned, and played with Hayden.  I got the boys to bed and talked to N about getting divorced.  He told me he's not choosing and he's not going to be the one to be the one giving up.  He told me he likes his life the way it is.  He likes being married and he likes the fantasy and thrill of hookers and porn.

I met with my Bishop and he told me that I just need to follow the spirit and he was sad that N had chosen this.  I went and talked to L.B. and she was so kind and understanding.

N told me if I'm going to leave he wants me out in 4 days because he has plans.   So I called my dad.  He said he would be down on Friday to help me move.  He told me I could go to school full time and he wold help me however I needed.

October 23, 2013:  Called the boys school.  Told them we would be leaving  Packed all day.  N sat on the chair looking at porn and getting sex dates lined up for the weekend.

October 24, 2013:  A couple friends found out and called.  They came by and I cried a lot.  These people have been my family and support system for 8 years.  My heart was breaking.  I packed all day!

October 25, 2013:  My dad came and helped me pack.  Some great friends helped and I cried.  I left my home and family of 8 years.  My heart was broken.


And now it's October 23, 2016...3 years later.  I've been emotional and withdrawn.  I couldn't pinpoint why.  Is it possible that my subconsious just knows?  I hate that he did this to me.  I hate it so much.  And I hate HIM!!!

Saturday, March 12, 2016

UCAP

Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference was today in Salt Lake.
It was hard to go.
I want to leave this life in the past...the one that has anything to do with pornography,
but I'm learning I can't ever do that.
I'm raising 3 boys in this world, I work with the young women in my church and...
I will fight to keep them safe from pornography or get them help they need.

The Conference was great!
The videos from the classes will be here soon.

Following are some of my favorite resources I found at the conference:

The Facts
found here and here

porn sex vs. healthy sex
found here

The Hazards of Porn
found here

Net Cetera
Chatting with Kids about Being Online


7 Steps to Protect your Family
download the steps here


This website has books that help parents talk to their kids about sex and pornography.
I looked through each book and they are amazing.
Every home should have these books!

This website gives information about how to prepare your kids to protect themselves from porn and how to heal if they have been exposed to porn or have a porn addiction

This book is a must!!!


Help for those with addiction to porn

Support For Betrayal Trauma
WORTH group - free

For teens
 FREE online recovery program:  https://fortifyprogram.org/
Do I have an addiction?  http://www.lifestarnetwork.com/the-addiction/youthstar-2/
Recovery for Young Men:  Eternal Warriors
Recovery for Young Women:  Daughters of Light
Divine Nature Value Project:  Girl Power - FREE online class
Especially for Young Women:  Girls do it, too! 

Parent Support



Sunday, March 6, 2016

boy-friend




Around Thanksgiving/Christmas time I was feeling pretty lonely and wanted to find someone to be with.  A guy to ease my burden of single motherhood, make me smile again, talk to and do things with.  So, I downloaded a ton of dating sites, paid some money and started dating.  It was fun.  I liked the attention.  But I still didn't have that one person.  That person to talk to, laugh with, do things with.
In January sometime I sent a message to a guy.  He was a bit mysterious so I sent a message and we started messaging back and forth.
It wasn't like the usually dating stuff.
It was fun and comfortable and there was no pressure.
He made me laugh and was smart and witty.
We started texting and have texted every day.
We met for dinner and there wasn't a spark or butterflies or whatever you want to call it.
We talked about our 'relationship' and what we wanted and agreed to be friends.
I LOVE the way things are.
He's met the boys and we've all hung out a few times and it's fun.

I trust him.
I like this new relationship.
I want it to stay this way forever.
I LOVE this boy-friend :)

jail

X spent 3 days in jail.  He beat his 3 step sons and a police officer saw.  He's out on bail...his grandparents enable him.  It broke my heart to tell my boys that they have to have supervised visits with their dad because of some bad choices he's made.  They also know there's an investigation, but they don't know why.  They are taking it in.  They ask questions and they are mad and it breaks my heart.
I heard and cried.  His dad called and told me.  I cried because I can't believe where his choices have taken him.  I can't believe he is so far from the person I fell in love with him and married.  I know he's better than this and that we could've lived happily ever after if he would have made different choices.  Sometimes I still ache for what could have been.  I still have moments of grieving for the life I had always dreamed of.

Friday, January 15, 2016

all about ME

I went through 2 weeks of complete hell.
I found out x MARRIED the girl he told me he was serious with.  They just went to the courthouse in town and got married.
It destroyed me.
Not because I want him back...this is so hard for people to understand unless they've experienced this as well.
How can he move on and be happy and not be alone?
I'm raising 3 kids and going to school full time and being the mom and dad and I'm doing it alone.
He is the one who destroyed our marriage, so why I am the one who is alone?  
It was also hard because it was a reminder of everything he promised me and destroyed.
How could someone love this man who completely destroyed everything in me?
2 weeks of hell.  I was in a dark place.  Darker than I've been in a long time.  I didn't know how I'd ever make it out.

Then, I met her.  She's a genuinely kind person, she's so great to my kids and she and I get along really well.  I invited her over right before Christmas and we had a good time.  It wasn't awkward.  We just talked...the x wife and the current wife.  And it was good.
I found peace.  I also found forgiveness.

Forgiveness....
I have wanted to forgive x since the beginning of summer.  It was my goal.  I read books, articles and searched pinterest for steps to forgiveness.  It never came.  Then, during the 2 weeks of hell I got it all out of me.  All of the hurt and anger and betrayal.  I think I cried it out of me.  And one day I realized I don't hate him.  I hate what he did, but I don't hate him.  I get so mad when he doesn't show up when he's supposed to take the boys, but I'm just mad at that.  I'm not mad that he didn't show up AND mad at all the past hurt he's caused as well.
it feels good.
I liked being mad at him.  It felt better.  I felt justified.  who am I kidding?  I WAS justified!  I wanted him to see how much he hurt me.  Letting go of that anger was scary, but it feels good.
I feel lighter and happier.

Since then....
I started getting my nails done...I've wanted to do that since I got married 12 years ago.
I started dating!!!!!
I got my eyebrows shaped and learned how to fill them in...they look hot, FYI
I started spending more time on my hair and make up each day and I FEEL pretty
I started Weight Watchers and have lost 30 lbs.
I went on a shopping spree and my sis in law bought me some stylish clothes

I feel good.  I AM good.  I like finding ME again.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

You're the one that I loved...

X called.
He's serious with a girl.
Actually, he told me they're getting married.

And, I'm a mess.
I haven't cried this much in a long time....about 2 years.
WHY?!  WHY is this bothering me so much?

It's taken me 3 days to work through all of this. 
The first day I couldn't stop crying.  
Today I cried once.
So I'm making progress.

So many emotions...
this is supposed to be my life, my happily ever after.
this man took it from me. He took it and is giving it to someone else.
He is changing for this woman and her 3 boys, but...
he wouldn't change for me or OUR boys!
He was supposed to make me so happy.  He promised me happiness, love and to cherish me.
He knows all of my insecurities, all of my weaknesses and he threw them in my face.

We were supposed to live a life together,
raise a family together,
go on adventures together,
go to soccer games, recitals, scouts, church, etc together.
I had envisioned growing old with this man.
Sitting on our porch swings and laughing at people walking by.
We were supposed to live happily ever after.
He is taking that all from me and my boys and giving it to another woman and her boys
and my heart is broken again.

I don't want him back
I can't give him another chance after what he did to me
But, I don't want him to be happy
I don't want him giving another woman 
the forever that was supposed to be mine

What was so wrong with me?  
I asked him. 
When he broke the news to me I asked him a lot of questons..
"men are visual and you're not good on the eyes."
He told me that this new girl will accept him for who he is.
I fell in love with a quirky man.  A guy a lot of people struggled with.
I gave him my life.
I would've given him anything,
I would've done anything he asked and gone anywhere he wanted to.
But, somehow, I wasn't enough.

I was never enough.  I was never what he really wanted.  I question if he ever really loved me.
And it breaks me all over again!  Why didn't he love me?  Why am I hurting?  Will I ever be enough for anyone?  

I don't want to be alone forever.
But I got on a few dating websites and guys started chatting with me and I couldn't do it.
Not because I don't want to
but because I truly believe 100% that no man would ever choose me or want to be with me.
AND I believe that because of a man who promised me eternity.

This is the song that I 'dedicated' to him when we were engaged:

How did we get so far from this?  How did he allow this to change so much?  
Why did he take this feeling away from me?  WHY?!  I loved him so much.
SO SO SO much!  I never game up on him.  I miss the man I married and I greive for him and the life that THAT man promised me.  I hate that he didn't chose me.  It has destroyed me.

This is the song that our marriage ended on:

His addiction was so deep.
He was sleeping with whores, never coming home, yelling and screaming at me and when I told him to choose which life he wanted he couldn't. He didn't say anything.

I would've been the ONE if he wanted me to be.
But he didn't.
You're the one that I loved, N.
and now I'm saying good bye to you.

I just wish the hurt would heal.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

don't let them in

I thought my ex and I were getting along well.
I thought we were agreeing on things and making sure the boys were happy and doing everything for them.
Then I found it nothing was as it seemed.

My boys told me to tell their dad they didn't want to go to his girlfriends house.
Well, that's what they did.  all day.
My boys hated it, they told me they would never go with their dad again.  They told me her kids were mean and used bad language.  They told me they didn't feel safe there and they would run and hide next time they had to go with their dad.  They want to talk to the judge and tell him they don't want to have to go with their dad every other weekend.

I want them to have a relationship with their dad.  It's important for them.  But, I want them to be safe, too.  I don't want to keep my ex from seeing his kids.  I enjoy my weekends when they are gone...I get to sleep in, get caught up on homework, go out with friends, etc.  I know that them having a relationship with their dad is part of life and I try to make sure it's a positive thing.  

So, I talked to the ex and we agreed that it would be okay to type up some rules that we'd both be willing to follow.  Rules isn't the right word....guidelines maybe?  Anyway, I typed them up and I signed my copy.  I had no problem with any of it.  I felt it was fair and in the best interest of the boys.  I felt like the guidelines set would also help the boys feel safe again so they'd want to be with their dad on his weekends.

I sent them to N and he said fine he'd sign it.

The next day he called me 7 times changing his mind, telling me I was controlling him, telling me I wasn't going to cut the boys out of his life, telling me that while the boys are with him I don't get to dictate what he can and can not do with them.  Then he'd call and apologize and tell me that he can see my point and that he was sorry and he'd sign it.  Then he'd call and tell me there's no way he was signing it.  Then he sent me an email telling me he wants to get back together and he misses me and loves me and wishes I'd give him another chance.  Then he'd call me and tell me that he doesn't have to sign the paper, that I'm manipulative and mean.

So, I met with my lawyer and I have a good case and I will win.  My lawyer called N and told him the same thing, but N is still going to fight it.  I got 4 phone calls that day.  He kept changing his mind.  He'd sign it then he wouldn't.  I found out it was because his Uncle was telling him what to do.  
I knew if I talked to his Uncle I could explain that I was doing this to protect the kids.
I was wrong.
His Uncle ripped me apart for 23 minutes.
I got to talk for about 5 minutes and the rest of the time I listened to him destroy me.
It hurt.
It hurt all over again.
It hurt like all the times N destroyed me.

He told me I was painting a picture for the world to see that I'm a perfect mom.
but all it is is a picture.
He told me that I'm a bad mom,
that N should've left me years before
He told me that I was evil 
he told me that I tricked N into giving up joint custody.
He told me that I'm at fault in the divorce.
He told me this blog was a way to play victim.
He told me I am a mean and awful person.
He told me N can take the boys to the strip club if he wants to during his time because what he does is none of his business.
He told me that I'm not worth anyone's time and that he can see through this facade and knows I'm not an amazing mom.
He stood there with me on speaker phone with my ex-husband and his grandparents listening and cheering him on.
I was destroyed and beat up all over again.

I loved these people once, well, minus his Uncle.  I never much cared for him.  But N and his grandparents.  I loved them.  I loved N so much and no one will know what I went through to make him change, to support him when he wanted to change or to just let him be and hope he'd choose to change.  I gave him my whole heart and soul and time and energy and he destroyed it.  I went out of my way to let his Grandparents know how much I loved them as well.  I sent them sincere notes of appreciation or gratitude or love and didn't ever tell anyone.  I didn't do those things to boast or get something.  I did it because I sincerely wanted them to know how grateful I was for them and how much I loved them.  I loved listening to their stories of their lives and hoped to pass those on to my boys.  I loved the traditions they had and how they made people feel loved.  

And they all sat there and destroyed me and beat me down to nothing.  Every one of them destroyed me. I'm so tired of being broken.  I didn't think I could hurt anymore. I feel betrayed and heartbroken.  I am not in a good place again.  I have cried for 2 days, haven't gotten dressed and have laid in bed watching movies.  

This is why I quit loving people.  This is why I quit letting people into my life.  I can't take the betrayal and the heartache.  It isn't worth it.