Thursday, July 6, 2017

Trigger

Prince E is so good to me.  I am learning to trust him and it's an amazing thing.  I haven't trusted a man in...well, ever.  My dad was not good to me and then my ex and then the guys I've dated.  So, this is a new thing and it's scary.  I'm learning to just go with it and trust my heart.  My intuition/heart/6th sense has never been wrong. To trust Prince E is such a free feeling....I don't feel trapped or crazy.  There's no way to explain what it feels to trust someone.  I feel free and happy and light.
BUT...I have discovered a trigger.
When Prince E doesn't text me back within an hour I go crazy.
This has happened twice and both times I realized right away that I was being triggered, but I don't know what to do about it.
For 10 years when my texts and calls were ignored it meant that X was with another woman and it destroyed me.  It caused me so much pain and despair.  There's no way to explain the feeling of being so completely betrayed unless you've felt it...and I felt it over and over and over for 10 years.  Just typing about that betrayal makes me cry.  To know that I hurt so deeply.  Did you know that when you are emotionally hurt so badly, you can actually feel it physically?  I don't wish that type of hurt and betrayal on anyone ever again.  I would cry so hard that I could hardly breathe....it's what I imagine wailing to sound like.  To feel such grief and hurt is not something I want anyone to ever experience. But, this is what I felt almost every day for 10 years.  Every day X would ignore me so that he could be with another woman.
Now, I have Prince E.  He is amazing and patient and kind.  The first time he didn't text me right away I tried telling him that I was worried he was with another woman.  It hurt his feelings that I would think he'd do that, but he talked me through it and reminded me that he's not X and he doesn't want anyone else.  He PROVES to me that I can trust him and that he isn't like X.  BUT, the trigger is real and I don't know how to work through it.  I can't breathe, I get a stomach and headache, my chest gets tight, I sweat, and I cry.  I want to check all dating sites, get in my car and make sure he's really where he says he is.  I revert to that person I was when X betrayed me.  I know Prince E isn't going to do that to me, so how do I get through this?

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

dating and Prince Eric

I joined a bunch of dating sites about 2 years ago.  It was fun.  I had 12 dates lined up.  Well, I thought I had 12 dates lined up.  
But, then I was talking to my sister and found out that hook ups aren't the same as dates.  I cancelled those hook ups and was a little discouraged.
After a year of dating and hating it I cancelled all sites and focused on me.  I did a lot of fun things, found out who I am again and ....
decided I was ready to try again.
I joined POF.  
I dated a lot.
I really liked one guy and we dated awhile and I pushed him away with my trust issues.
Looking back I realize that he was not what I wanted.  
He wasn't patient or kind or respectful.
I dated more and was a lot more careful and picky.
Dating sucks!!!!
99% of the guys pretend to want a relationship, but then focus solely on how to get sex.
6 ish weeks ago I wrote in my journal about what I want.  
I want a man who will be patient with me, who will understand my trust issues, who will not push my boundaries, who will be a gentleman.  Someone who will love me for who I am and not want to change me.
2 weeks passed and I 'dumped' 4 guys I was seeing.
I was getting ready to delete my POF account and a guy started talking to me.  I responded and in my head I was thinking that I would shut him down fast. 
 I call him Prince Eric.  
He's perfect.
It's been 4 weeks and we talk every day.
We aren't seeing other people.
He's perfect for me.
He's kind, patient, understanding.  He tells me how beautiful I am and that I'm perfect just the way I am.  He deals with my trust issues perfectly.  He doesn't push my boundaries.  I'm extremely attracted to him.  He's a gentleman. He makes me laugh and we have great conversations.  He's smart and we just have fun talking. He is everything I've ever wanted...EVER!
BUT,  I don't trust him.  I don't trust him because of my dumb ass ex husband.  I don't trust this perfect man and it has nothing to do with him.
It scares me.  It scares me to fall for him.  I am so afraid of getting hurt.  My heart can't break again.  I don't think it would heal.  I don't think I can feel that much pain again and recover.  
I want to give him my all, but I don't know if I can.  How do I do this?  
I'm crazy, too....and I don't know how to not be.
If I text him and it takes him awhile to text back .... I worry he's texting another woman or maybe sleeping with her.
I get on POF to see if he's online.  When he is my stomach drops and my heart aches.  Why is he still on there?  What is he looking for?  If I'm really what he wants why is he on POF?  Is he looking for someone better or closer?  Is he pursuing me because there aren't any other options?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
How do I not push this man away?
How do I tell him I want him to delete his POF account since we're not dating other people?
How do I protect my heart from being broken, but still allow myself to put everything into this relationship that could be perfect?

Sunday, October 23, 2016

2013

October 20, 2013:  I went to church alone again!  As we left T (my oldest) told me he didn't want to go to church if his dad didn't have to go.  I was so mad and discouraged.  I got to church and sat with the family we always sit with.  They were always amazing and so helpful when I was at church alone.  They never asked about anything, they just helped and I am so grateful for them.  It was High Council Sunday and it made church even more difficult.  The High Councilman started talking about obedience and about the wiseman and the foolish man.  As he was speaking I realized that I can't do this anymore.  I couldn't be in a marriage where we were headed 2 ways.  I knew right then that my marriage was almost over.

October 21, 2013:  I had a normal day, but had a lot of time thinking about what to do with my life.  I did laundry, cooked, cleaned and took care of my kids.  The boys were in bed and I was writing in my journal and N was on the computer.  I could see the reflection of what he was doing in the window.  I could see he was looking at hard core porn.  I asked him over and over to put it away and spend time talking to me or doing something together.  He wouldn't.  I asked him what he wants in life.  He told me things are great how they are and that he's not choosing.  Later that evening I got a call from my sister.  She asked me a weird question and we hung up.  I knew that's not what she wanted.  A few minutes later she called back and told me that N had a FB profile that popped up on her feed and it was a picture of him naked asking for sex.  I told her I knew about it.  She told me she had told my parents.
I got off the phone and N was mad at me for not having his back and making something up.  Right then I realized how messed up we were.  I thought, for a sec, that I was wrong and that I shold've backed him up.
I went to bed and N stayed up looking at porn.

October 22, 2013:  I volunteered in Dylan's classroom, cleaned, and played with Hayden.  I got the boys to bed and talked to N about getting divorced.  He told me he's not choosing and he's not going to be the one to be the one giving up.  He told me he likes his life the way it is.  He likes being married and he likes the fantasy and thrill of hookers and porn.

I met with my Bishop and he told me that I just need to follow the spirit and he was sad that N had chosen this.  I went and talked to L.B. and she was so kind and understanding.

N told me if I'm going to leave he wants me out in 4 days because he has plans.   So I called my dad.  He said he would be down on Friday to help me move.  He told me I could go to school full time and he wold help me however I needed.

October 23, 2013:  Called the boys school.  Told them we would be leaving  Packed all day.  N sat on the chair looking at porn and getting sex dates lined up for the weekend.

October 24, 2013:  A couple friends found out and called.  They came by and I cried a lot.  These people have been my family and support system for 8 years.  My heart was breaking.  I packed all day!

October 25, 2013:  My dad came and helped me pack.  Some great friends helped and I cried.  I left my home and family of 8 years.  My heart was broken.


And now it's October 23, 2016...3 years later.  I've been emotional and withdrawn.  I couldn't pinpoint why.  Is it possible that my subconsious just knows?  I hate that he did this to me.  I hate it so much.  And I hate HIM!!!

Saturday, March 12, 2016

UCAP

Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference was today in Salt Lake.
It was hard to go.
I want to leave this life in the past...the one that has anything to do with pornography,
but I'm learning I can't ever do that.
I'm raising 3 boys in this world, I work with the young women in my church and...
I will fight to keep them safe from pornography or get them help they need.

The Conference was great!
The videos from the classes will be here soon.

Following are some of my favorite resources I found at the conference:

The Facts
found here and here

porn sex vs. healthy sex
found here

The Hazards of Porn
found here

Net Cetera
Chatting with Kids about Being Online


7 Steps to Protect your Family
download the steps here


This website has books that help parents talk to their kids about sex and pornography.
I looked through each book and they are amazing.
Every home should have these books!

This website gives information about how to prepare your kids to protect themselves from porn and how to heal if they have been exposed to porn or have a porn addiction

This book is a must!!!


Help for those with addiction to porn

Support For Betrayal Trauma
WORTH group - free

For teens
 FREE online recovery program:  https://fortifyprogram.org/
Do I have an addiction?  http://www.lifestarnetwork.com/the-addiction/youthstar-2/
Recovery for Young Men:  Eternal Warriors
Recovery for Young Women:  Daughters of Light
Divine Nature Value Project:  Girl Power - FREE online class
Especially for Young Women:  Girls do it, too! 

Parent Support



Sunday, March 6, 2016

boy-friend




Around Thanksgiving/Christmas time I was feeling pretty lonely and wanted to find someone to be with.  A guy to ease my burden of single motherhood, make me smile again, talk to and do things with.  So, I downloaded a ton of dating sites, paid some money and started dating.  It was fun.  I liked the attention.  But I still didn't have that one person.  That person to talk to, laugh with, do things with.
In January sometime I sent a message to a guy.  He was a bit mysterious so I sent a message and we started messaging back and forth.
It wasn't like the usually dating stuff.
It was fun and comfortable and there was no pressure.
He made me laugh and was smart and witty.
We started texting and have texted every day.
We met for dinner and there wasn't a spark or butterflies or whatever you want to call it.
We talked about our 'relationship' and what we wanted and agreed to be friends.
I LOVE the way things are.
He's met the boys and we've all hung out a few times and it's fun.

I trust him.
I like this new relationship.
I want it to stay this way forever.
I LOVE this boy-friend :)

jail

X spent 3 days in jail.  He beat his 3 step sons and a police officer saw.  He's out on bail...his grandparents enable him.  It broke my heart to tell my boys that they have to have supervised visits with their dad because of some bad choices he's made.  They also know there's an investigation, but they don't know why.  They are taking it in.  They ask questions and they are mad and it breaks my heart.
I heard and cried.  His dad called and told me.  I cried because I can't believe where his choices have taken him.  I can't believe he is so far from the person I fell in love with him and married.  I know he's better than this and that we could've lived happily ever after if he would have made different choices.  Sometimes I still ache for what could have been.  I still have moments of grieving for the life I had always dreamed of.

Friday, January 15, 2016

all about ME

I went through 2 weeks of complete hell.
I found out x MARRIED the girl he told me he was serious with.  They just went to the courthouse in town and got married.
It destroyed me.
Not because I want him back...this is so hard for people to understand unless they've experienced this as well.
How can he move on and be happy and not be alone?
I'm raising 3 kids and going to school full time and being the mom and dad and I'm doing it alone.
He is the one who destroyed our marriage, so why I am the one who is alone?  
It was also hard because it was a reminder of everything he promised me and destroyed.
How could someone love this man who completely destroyed everything in me?
2 weeks of hell.  I was in a dark place.  Darker than I've been in a long time.  I didn't know how I'd ever make it out.

Then, I met her.  She's a genuinely kind person, she's so great to my kids and she and I get along really well.  I invited her over right before Christmas and we had a good time.  It wasn't awkward.  We just talked...the x wife and the current wife.  And it was good.
I found peace.  I also found forgiveness.

Forgiveness....
I have wanted to forgive x since the beginning of summer.  It was my goal.  I read books, articles and searched pinterest for steps to forgiveness.  It never came.  Then, during the 2 weeks of hell I got it all out of me.  All of the hurt and anger and betrayal.  I think I cried it out of me.  And one day I realized I don't hate him.  I hate what he did, but I don't hate him.  I get so mad when he doesn't show up when he's supposed to take the boys, but I'm just mad at that.  I'm not mad that he didn't show up AND mad at all the past hurt he's caused as well.
it feels good.
I liked being mad at him.  It felt better.  I felt justified.  who am I kidding?  I WAS justified!  I wanted him to see how much he hurt me.  Letting go of that anger was scary, but it feels good.
I feel lighter and happier.

Since then....
I started getting my nails done...I've wanted to do that since I got married 12 years ago.
I started dating!!!!!
I got my eyebrows shaped and learned how to fill them in...they look hot, FYI
I started spending more time on my hair and make up each day and I FEEL pretty
I started Weight Watchers and have lost 30 lbs.
I went on a shopping spree and my sis in law bought me some stylish clothes

I feel good.  I AM good.  I like finding ME again.